“I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.” Author Unknown
Sometimes …
walking away is okay.
If it takes more courage & faith
to walk away than to stay
Then just maybe …
walking away is okay.
“But he [Jesus] walked right through the crowd and went on his way.” Luke 4:30 (NIV). Love & Peace.
Photo Credit: 64715267 Everst | Dreamstime
Once again I’ve stumbled upon a word that I unabashedly embrace: the Danish word, Hygge. Although a bit difficult to translate to English, hygge (pronounced hue-guh) can be defined as “a state of peace, coziness, calm and personal wholeness”.
I imagine hygge to be a Winter word, or perhaps more of a Winter concept; as for me, hygge and a cold Winter’s day go hand in hand (a very hygge description, by the way, for who doesn’t love the coziness of walking hand in hand with another).
Binge watching Hallmark channel Christmas movies in front of a wood-burning fireplace, drinking yet another “cuppa tea” on a snowy day is definitely hygge. Burning candles, sugar cookies baking, knitted wool socks, soft cashmere throws, old sweat pants and oversized sweaters are all ever so hygge. Hanging out with good people, sharing a meal together and laughing until it hurts—that’s hygge, too.
So this Winter I’ve made a decision to cozy up to a more peaceful, calm self. To channel my inner Dane and embrace hygge. To focus on the simple pleasures of life with an attitude of gratitude. It’s simple, really—simple yet profound. I like the sound of that. Very hygge.
“Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.” Rabindranath Tagore
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Wishing you a very blessed
Christmas Season
filled with child-like wonder and excitement!
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“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
Up against the wall of my own limitations, I stop and wait. Barren soul yearning for full deliverance.
Yet just as a pregnant woman is enlarged in the waiting, I, too, am enlarged in the waiting. The longer the wait, the larger I become & the more joyful the expectation.
Patient productivity in the waiting. It’s a bit mysterious, but I’m learning. I wait it out.
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It takes faith, writing does. And in the higher realm of creativity and faith, I encounter the Spirit of the Living God, and we talk.
I always ask the same question …
“Good morning, God. How are you today?”
Always the same reply…
“Good morning, daughter.
I AM gracious & compassionate,
Slow to anger & abounding in love.”
Choosing to start with the outcome of Who God Is rather than Who I Am, my mindset takes a turn from frustration and negativity to freedom and creativity. His words of life crown & I push.
And something is born. Something with spirit. Something with life.
My soul is delivered & faith becomes art.
Author’s Note: Writing for me becomes a dialogue with the Spirit of God. This dialogue flows from John 6:63, “…the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life.” May the dialogue continue in you… Love & Peace.
“It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes.” Oswald Chambers
The day I meet our son at the back door and see his face in his face, I shudder. I mean for years my brother lingers quietly in my night-visions. But I don’t like seeing him in my son’s face in broad day-light. Much rather he stay closed away in deep memory’s burning embers—where he’s been since we closed his grave some 30 years before.
“One life-loss can infect the whole of a life”, writes Ann Voskamp. Those burning life-loss memories we carefully tend. Who wants to relive them…yet, who cannot relive them?
Maybe the memories must be fully re-lived in order for them to fully re-die. Ashes fully buried and fully resurrected into the beauty (dare we say it) of acceptance.
I look into my son-brother’s face and I know. The burning embers are being stoked into flame once more. Okay, let’s have at it and get this over with once and for all.
The year Randy died. The year he turned 16. I would live on to turn 14. Says a lot right there. He died. I lived. Guilt. Who gets to decide that? Guilt. Sucks to be you. Guilt. I’m sorry.
How much guilt can one girl serve up? I can’t force down another bite. The lump in my throat sickens. Regurgitated guilt burns hot and deep.
Walking by the bathroom, he calls my name. Cradled in his palm are the treasured strands of golden-wheat that fell victim to the chemical warfare in his body.
“Why is my hair falling out?”
So much pain, so much fear in those six screwed-up words that no 15 year old boy should ever have to say. And I got nothing, but…Denial. It’s not that bad. Denial. Just comb it over. Denial. Looks great.
“How’s your brother doing?”
I lean over the water fountain and drink and drink and drink attempting to drown the sadness—or myself. Not sure I can tell the difference any more. Depressed. Life totally sucks. Depressed. I am one sorry mess. Depressed. I swallow it down.
“He’s doing okay,” I lie to the teacher.
That’s always what I say, because I don’t really know what to say. Because nobody really tells me anything. Except maybe my older brother who tells me on the way to school, when I finally get the nerve to ask,
“He’s not good, Lois”.
But nobody says he will die. Nobody spells it out for me—those three dagger letters… D-I-E. Anger. Who gets to decide that? Anger. Sucks to be me. Anger. Not sorry.
Moans from the Lazy-Boy, the sick chair, an old man’s chair that no 15 year old boy should ever have to sit in day after day. Dad’s face falls in shattered reply. Mom breathes deep with clenched eyes.
“What do you need, Randy?”
If only I could make the pain go away, things can be normal again. “God, if you will make him better…” Bargaining. “I’m really sorry I didn’t believe him at first.” Bargaining. “I know I’ve been bad but I promise to be perfect…” Bargaining. “If you really exist God …”
Two weeks after his 16th birthday, Randy leaves for the hospital for the very last time. As we stand at the back door, I think I knew. And I’m pretty sure he knew, too. Acceptance. A quick one-word goodbye spoken from our lips; eyes embrace, silently speaking heart’s farewell. Acceptance. He turns to meet death without me. I turn to meet life without him. Acceptance. He leaves my childhood forever.
This back-door memory is the memory that still burns hot. A witch’s cauldron brew bubbling in my gut. Eyes still burn from it. The memory, that is. Standing at the back door. Our last brother-sister exchange on earth. The final goodbye.
I know not how the light is shed,
Nor understand this lens.
I only know that there are eyes
In pencils and in pens.
∞John Piper
And then eyes open…the back door. The final goodbye took place at the back door. I recall the opening-grave words in my journal: “The day I meet our son at the back door and see his face in his face, I shudder.”
It’s at the back door where I see my 16-year-old brother’s face in my 16-year-old son’s face. I see his eyes in his eyes. I see the same boyhood-scar on forehead—his from a boomerang gone wild; his from a hot-water radiator collision.
At the back door—the final goodbye place between brother-sister; mother-son. Don’t leave me, brother. Don’t leave me, son. Don’t want to let you go, brother. Don’t want to let you go, son. I don’t want to live life without you, too. Nobody should get to decide that but me.
To be continued …
INSPIRE 